


Something Domestic

by BadRomantic



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Add tags as updated, Detective Patch is super smooth (not), Diego is handling a murder case, Diego is upset tm, Five Hargreeves and his innocent inquiries, Five loves his brother, Klaus and Dave are already into each other bc thats how we roll, Klaus is stumbling into Parent Hood, Klaus loves his brother so much, Oh my god Five you cant just threaten to stab people, Other, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-01-25 13:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18575242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadRomantic/pseuds/BadRomantic
Summary: By the time everybody left Reginald, he found another kid assumed was special like they were. That kid is named Five (Because there always was an odd 00.02 skip between Four and Six's milliseconds of birth and he never understood why).Five is five years old when Klaus finds out he and the rest of his siblings have a younger brother. He gets sober, changes his life around, and takes up months in court just to get custody of a little brother he's never formally met. And when he wins the case? Klaus has never been more relieved.At least... hewasrelieved for a short while until he found out he actually got to take the kid home with him.





	1. First Day Home

Klaus remembers every first day of school he’s ever had. Reginald had enough decency to allow them something akin to summer vacation (he replaced school studies with more training sessions), so Klaus got as close to a _first day of school_ as superhero children could get.

Anyway, Klaus remembers every first day of school he’s ever had.

He got nervous, because he always had to keep up with Luther and Vanya, but he also can’t be as bad as Diego is, because that’s _his thing_ and _if you copy me Klaus I will shave your eyebrows in your sleep_. So Klaus wasn’t allowed to be bad at school. He wasn’t great at it though, so that made everything much harder for him.

Dear Mom always gave him a few bonus points for his iconic monologues on the corners of the pages, which helped him a lot. Things like;

_This math quiz made me want to die._

_Why in God’s name did you let dad do this. Who cares about Biology._

_this paper is thicker than my nail so therefore i do not want to do it._

 

Yeah, Klaus is pretty famous with freestyle writing.

Anyway, the feeling of the first day of school sucks. It’s scary, he gets nervous, and he has to do a lot of work to keep up.

Okay, now compare that to bringing home a kid for the first time. It’s scary as hell, Klaus is nervous as hell, and he knows he’ll need to do a lot of work just to keep the kid from dying in his care.

The past few months have been a blur. Klaus just barely remembers filing the report to the police, being directed to Officer Patch, and then the few (eleven) court days that had a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing, and a lot of glaring. Klaus was proud to say that he only did one of those three things.

He still can’t believe that he is now a legal guardian. He is legally guarding a five year old kid. A five year old kid named Five Hargreeves.

“You’re room is down the hall,” Klaus explained, holding all of the suitcases in his arms because he didn’t want Five to hold anything like the stubborn bastard he is, “right next to mine.”

“This house is small.” Five glanced wearily at him, then stared at the suitcases that threatened to spill, “I can carry one of those.”

“It’s fine.” Klaus lied, just barely catching one of them by his pinky finger, “Um, here, I’ll show you.”

He walked, straining his ears to hear the patter of Five’s feet as he followed after him. Klaus pushed the door open with his foot and tried not to make a show of setting down the suitcases (he did).

“We have a bed and a dresser and there’s a closet- OH!” Klaus rushed forward, raising up a lamp he bought specifically for Five. It was blue and it showed shapes on the ceiling when the lights were knocked out. “Look! It’s got planets and stars!”

Five eyed it, then him. “It’s nice.”

Klaus didn’t know whether Five was trying to appease him or if he actually liked it. What did five year olds like? What did _he_ like when he was five?

“Yeah, so, uh, you want help putting everything away? I can totally help with that.”

Five wrinkled his nose, “No. I’m okay.”

Klaus faltered, “Oh, okay… okay! I’ll go make something for lunch, how’s that? You can explore all you want.”

Five nodded, “Okay…”

Klaus couldn’t get out of the room faster. When he left, he walked past Ben and kept walking until he was far away and in the Kitchen, just out of ear shot.

“Jesus.” Klaus whispered, running a hand through his hair, “I’m too sober for this.”

“You’ll be fine.” Ben encouraged from his side, “It’s going to be awkward until it’s not. Just push through it, you’re _fine.”_

“What do five year olds do?” Klaus asked, “Do I play monopoly with him? Can I take him to the mall? Do I need a leash? I can’t afford a human leash, Ben.”

“He’s not a dog.” Ben rolled his eyes.

Klaus sighed, sitting down at the table. Everything was weird. Not his relationship with Five or anything, but how fast everything else was happening. He was sober (painfully), he has a permanent home now, and he’s got a job that starts next weekend.

 _Holy shit,_ he has a _job._ A real job. He’s thirty and has his first real job. Hell yeah!

“I’m doing great at being an adult, Ben.” Klaus declared, looking at his brother, “I wish… nah, I don’t have anybody who I want to brag to. Everybody sucks.”

Ben snorted out a laugh.

“I think I should just let Five do whatever.” Klaus said, “Maybe ask him if he wants a real name, or something. I know I never liked being called Four.”

Five’s voice gave him a straight up heart attack, “Who’re you talking to?”

Klaus nearly fucking died. He nearly threw hands with the kid he’s suppose to be legally guarding. Ben must have been startled too, because he disappeared for a few seconds before coming back right beside Klaus.

“How’d he do that?” Ben exclaimed, voice cracking a bit. “He came out of nowhere.”

“Oh, uh,” Klaus cleared his throat, trying to ignore Ben and focus on Five, “Well… Old man never told you about us?”

Five’s eyes bounced to the side for awhile before he shook his head, “Dad didn’t like talking to me.”

Klaus smiled bitterly, “Yeah, that’s how he treated us to. What about Mom?”

Five shook his head, “She wasn’t allowed to talk to me.”

 _Jesus,_ Klaus thought, _what kind of demented upbringing did Reginald want to give this kid?_

“Well… um, I’m your brother… but I’m sure you figured that out by now!” Klaus laughed a bit, “Uh, you have a few more brothers and a couple of sisters. You’ll meet them in a month or so.”

Five seemed to find this interesting, which urged Klaus on. He’s desperate for any form of connection he can establish.

“What does that have to do with you talking to yourself?” He asked, crawling up on a chair next to him.

“You have powers, right?” Klaus asked, because even he wasn’t quite sure that he did. Reginald always insisted he did despite having zero evidence.

Five stared at him for a long while before giving a slight nod of his head.

“Okay, well, so do we.” Klaus waved his hand as he spoke, “Uh, We all had numbers, too. One has strength, Two can throw knives, Three can make people do whatever she wants, Four-- that’s me-- can see dead people, Six could become a hent-- _an octopus,_ and Seven doesn’t have any powers. She’s kinda a fluke.”

“If you’re Four, why do you go by Klaus?” Five asked.

“We all picked our own names.” He explained, somehow patient during this whole conversation, “One is Luther now, Two goes by Diego, Three is Allison, I’m Klaus, Six is Ben, and Seven is Vanya.”

“You didn’t like to be called Four?” Five seemed confused by it, “Why? It’s not your favourite number?”

“Nah,” Klaus laughed, sharing a glance with Ben, “My favourite number is five.”

“Mine too!” Five’s eyes lit up, a gleeful smugness exerting from his entire being, “Five is the best number.”

“Well, you don’t need to change your name if you don’t want to.” Klaus told him, “If I liked my name half as much as you do, I’d never change it.”

Five nodded, “Yeah. So… who’re you talking to? Is there ghosts here?”

“No. Well, just one, but he’s our brother.” Klaus said dismissively, “That’s Ben. He hangs out around me all the time.”

It took a few seconds. A few seconds for Klaus to realized he had just nonchalantly told his little brother that he has a dead older brother. One bit of him hoped that, secretly, Five wouldn’t really care. Children shouldn’t have an actual concept of death, let alone grieve for someone they’ve never met.

Clearly, he was freaking _wrong._

Five’s eyes widened, then watered, and he scrunched up his face while frantically scrubbing away tears. Klaus was in a state of panic for three seconds before he lunged forward to pull Five into his lap and hold him close.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Klaus insisted, rocking back and forth in hopes of soothing Five. That’s how people comforted others, right?

“I-Is he okay?” Five asked through Klaus’s shirt, rubbing his snot and tears away with it. Klaus would have been upset had he not been so confused by the question.

 _Well, he’s fucking dead, so…_ Klaus daydreamed answering. But maybe Five’s question meant more than what Klaus was taking it as. Maybe Five as genuinely wondering how Ben was _now,_ after death.

“He’s okay.” Klaus said, glancing at Ben, “He’s here with us, absolutely fine and happy.”

“G-Good.” Five sniffled loudly.

Klaus kept Five on his lap and rocked. He didn’t know when to let go. A bit of him didn’t want to let go _ever,_ because it was oddly painful to watch someone so young face a tragedy like that. God, what was he _thinking?_

“He had to find out sooner or later.” Ben said, as if reading his thoughts, “It’s good you’re being honest.”

Klaus looked at Ben with a _Is it? Is it really?_ face he had schooled a long time ago.

“I mean…” Ben shrugged a bit, “Look how honest Dad has been with him. He’ll respect that, right?”

Klaus wasn’t sure how much a five year old could respect honesty, but he guesses it’s better than lying to him about it.

“Hey, how about we sit in the living room and watch some TV, huh?” Klaus asked, rubbing Five’s back, “Um… you like cartoons?”

“No.”

“Disney?”

“Those are cartoons.”

Klaus contemplated to himself, “Uh… what about if you pick a movie on Netflix? I’ll make some popcorn and we can watch it together…”

That seemed to get Five’s attention.

 

. . .

 

Five ended up settling on a Netflix series. Klaus tried telling him that it wasn’t a movie, but Five insisted it was good enough to pass the time. Klaus didn’t care, he’s already seen the Pilot episode, so he knew it wasn’t boring or anything.

“Who’s that?” Klaus asked Ben, pointing at the screen when a new lady came up.

“That’s the mom."

“That’s his mom.”

Klaus glanced between Ben and Five. Right, he wasn’t alone anymore. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Five kicked his legs, scooting in a little bit towards him, as if he somehow wouldn’t notice, “If you have anymore questions, just ask.”

Klaus smiled to himself. “Sure will, buddy.”

He spent the rest of the time with Five asking questions he was sure would annoy any of his other siblings. Five didn’t seem to mind them, which was a nice change to the usual _shut up, Klaus_ response he’d get.

“So why are they trying to take the crystal?” Klaus asked, “Is it to protect the home?”

Five nodded, “Mhm. They want to protect their family…” He mumbled something else that Klaus didn’t catch.

“What was that?”

Five seemed to be a lot more interested in his shoes than what was on the TV, which struck Klaus as odd, because he had been so thoroughly into it. Maybe he made him uncomfortable with the constant questions. He wouldn’t blame the kid for getting mad at him, he is usually annoying.

“I said…” Five raised his voice a bit, “kinda like you.”

His heart swelled up and he swore that his throat closed on him. It took a few seconds for Klaus to muster up the words, but in that silence he wrapped an arm around Five and pulled him close for a tight side-hug.

“Yeah, buddy, I’d do anything for family.”

He knows this is just the honeymoon period Patch had warned him about. He _knows_ that one day Five might lose all that affection he feels for him. But Klaus also knows that taking Five out of that terrible place was the best thing he’s ever done, and if the payback is in the form of a few sweet words and Netflix binges? He can handle that.


	2. Walk to Griddys [pt. 1]

Day two of hanging out with Five was extremely stressful. It was all his own fault, really. He didn’t set the alarm at 3:33 AM, the hours of which little demons decide they can get up and make themselves, very noisily, some cereal.

What confused the fuck out of Klaus was that Five made so much noise getting the bowl out and pouring the milk but made absolutely zero of it when he walked to the kitchen. Klaus is 100% sure Five’s power is inconsistency.

Okay, maybe not 100%, but close enough.

Anyway, he ended up helping Five after he dropped his second bowl of pure milk all over the floor. Klaus told him multiple times that _it’s okay_ and _you don’t need to worry, I do it all the time._

That seemed to ease Five’s anxiety some, but he didn’t miss the flinches or the nervous glances as Klaus cleaned up the mess.

“What do you want me to do now?” Five had asked, prompting Klaus for some type of punishment, but he honestly couldn’t think of one to give. Why would he want to give a punishment? Five did a normal kid thing. And even if he didn’t, kudos to the kid for trying to be an adult!

“Eat the cereal, watch a movie or go to bed?” Klaus shrugged, hoping his nonchalant demeanor would rub off on his little brother, “Maybe we can sit together in my room and watch a movie?”

Five jerked his head in a stiff nod. After he ate his cereal, they climbed up in Klaus’s bed and watched an old documentary.

His real plan was to put on the most boring movie possible and let Five fall asleep in his bed, just so he could keep track of him. He’s pretty sure that’s what parents do anyway, right? Bore their kids until they doze off?

Although... he was thoroughly ashamed of the fact that he had nearly fell asleep before Five did. But he didn’t! He’d jerked awake just in the nick of time. He even got to watch Five slump over and lean against Klaus’s many pillows. It was kinda sweet, knowing he had the power to see dead people _and_ bore people into a coma.

After Five dozed off, he stayed awake for the rest of the night doing random things. He made (burnt) a batch of pancakes, fixed up the awful way Five put his clothes in his drawers (shirts and socks sharing a drawer? The _horror!),_ and spent most of time chatting with his brother Ben.

“You wouldn’t believe it!” Klaus said, sipping his morning coffee and fighting the urge to pick at his newly-shaven beard, “I’m totally being a parent, man. I got like… at _least_ two parent points, y’know?”

Ben grinned and scoffed, “Parent points?”

“Yeah! I’ll cash them in to get the kid Disney World tickets, you’ll see.”

“What’s Disney World?” Five’s asked from beside him, appearing out of nowhere. Klaus almost spit his coffee on him.

“Um-” He cleared his throat after a painful swallow, “It’s this big place with real life princesses and princes. Oh! And I think there’s a Harry Potter place there? I know there’s roller coasters!”

If Five was interested, he didn’t show it on his face. “Why can’t we go there now?”

“Well, it cost a lot of money to get there, kiddo.” Klaus laughed awkwardly, “And, um, brother Klaus is a little low. I don’t think I could handle an airplane right now, anyway.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m off my _special juice_ and I’m having a hard time being normal.”

Five rolled his eyes and climbed up to sit at the table, “Normal’s not fun. It’s… it’s i...irk…”

“Irksome?” Klaus guessed fearfully.

Five nodded.

“Uh… well, I guess…” Klaus tried not to let the nervousness show on his face. Reginald _always_ told them that. Always tried to get it through their heads that they were automatically better than others, just because they have powers. He always tried to give them that superiority complex. Strangely, it never worked.

“But I like normal.” Klaus said quickly, “Y’know? It’s nice not being apart of the Academy.”

Five didn’t look like he knew whether to agree or not. Klaus could only imagine what Reginald force fed him for the time he was there, so he didn’t blame the kid for having mixed feelings.

“Hey, how about we do something fun, huh?” Klaus swiftly changed the topic of the conversation, “You like donuts? I know this _crazy_ donut place that I like a _lot.”_

Five eyed him. “... Okay.”

Klaus pointed in the direction of the bathroom, “Go take a shower and get dressed. Um… you can do that alone, right?”

Five bristled a bit, his cheeks pinkening, “I’m not two! I’m almost six!”

“Okay!” Klaus hurried to raise his hands in surrender, “Just makin’ sure, big man. Go get in that shower and prove me wrong.”

Five grumbled a bit, but walked away nonetheless.

“You have zero idea of what a five year old can do, don't you?” Ben teased.

Klaus shrugged, “Do _you_ know what five year olds do? Do you think they can do flips? Or roll over?”

“They’re not dogs, Klaus!”

He stifled a sigh. “So much for two parent points, huh?”

Ben got a look on his face, serious and considerate, “I think you’re doing alright… don’t you?”

He shook his head.

“Why?” Ben squinted at him, “You’re making sure he’s fed, you got up early this morning to take care of him, you even made sure he’s taking a shower! I’m pretty sure that’s all parents do.”

“I don’t even know the first thing about him.” Klaus’s shoulders dropped, “He doesn’t seem to like talking about his power, so I don’t wanna pressure him on that, but… but what else can I relate to him about?”

Ben seemed just as stumped as he felt about that question. Klaus wished that, in times like these, he had a real relationship with his family. If he could call Allison and _know_ she would help him, he’s sure it would ease his anxiety about it all. Hell, even if he could trust Diego to give some reliable feedback, he’d feel better.

“What’re you thinking about?” His brother prompted, walking around the counter to sit beside him.

“I want to call someone who can help me…” Klaus shrugged, “But, I also don’t want _them_ around Five, yet. I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

Silence filled the kitchen. Klaus did not welcome it.

“What about that Officer?” Ben asked, “Patch, right? Maybe she’ll want to help you.”

Klaus jolting awake with a burst of excitement, “You’re brilliant! If you weren’t dead, I’d kiss you!”

“Ew.”

“A phone!” Klaus exclaimed, jumping off his seat and rushing to scavenge the house,“I need a phone!”

 

. . .

 

Twenty minutes later, Klaus was still on the phone with detective Patch herself.

“So _don’t_ mention anything about Reginald?” Klaus nearly wrinkled his nose, “What if I say that he sucks toes? Like, that should be a clear pass.”

“No.” Patch sighed over the line, “Five… I don’t know if he’s aware that he’s the victim, Klaus. When I spoke to him, he was really defensive over Reginald and his methods. I’m not sure he’s ready to face that just yet.”

“... Ok, so what if I say his _methods_ suck toes?”

“Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

Klaus groaned loudly, “Okay! I get it! Kiss ass, don’t smoke grass, whatever you say cop-lady.”

“I am _not_ a cop-la-- Oh, um, your brother just walked in I might have to let you go.”

Klaus nodded despite her not being around to see, “Okay, uh… you haven’t told him anything, right?”

“Besides the fact that you won the case? No. He has no idea where you or Five are.”

“Okay, good… uh, thanks, Officer.”

“Of course, Kla-- _Ma’am! That’s what we do… feel free to call me anytime, miss… Klaudette.”_

Klaus hurried to hang up his phone before he laughed too hard. Yeah, if _knife-boy_ didn’t see past Patch’s horrible acting, he deserved to get kicked out of police academy.

“Why are you laughing?” Five’s asked from behind him, on the couch struggling to get his shoes on. Klaus is pretty sure he didn’t hear the little guy walk down the hallway, so he’s _very_ confused as to how he got past him without him noticing.

Honestly, Five must be a ninja’s offspring.

“Oh, Officer Patch told a really funny joke.” Klaus waved his hand, “She’s rather silly, don’t you think?”

Klaus quickly took the time to look over Five’s outfit. He wore the same Academy shorts the rest of them wore at his age, but his shirt was a plain red with a stripe of white around each of the hems. Acceptable for a walk into the city.

He silently praised whoever was responsible for not putting Klaus in the position to ask Five to change his outfit.

Five shrugged, “I guess… are we still going to that donut shop?”

“Heck yeah!” He jumped to his feet, “Lemme grab my purse!”

“Your what?” Five blinked at him, a look on his face in-between flabbergasted and confused.

Klaus made a crude outline of his purse in the air, “Y’know, my purse! I put all my money in there, and a couple of Funyuns once in a while, but-”

Five cut him off, “Are you allowed to have a purse?”

Klaus suddenly understood. Of course Reginald threw on a bunch of cis normative junk on his little brother! Hell, it took his other siblings years before they stopped commenting on the fact he wore a skirts. And he’s 100% sure that was all their father’s doing.

“Anybody can have anything they want.” Klaus said, trying to choose his words carefully, “Clothes, and purses, are for everyone. I wear skirts sometimes, too.”

Five stared at him for a while, then nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

Relief flooded Klaus like no other. He nearly got swept away in it, actually. It’s been a while since he had someone accept him so simply.

“Go get your purse, already.” Five climbed off the couch, “I wanna go.”

 

. . .

 

The walk was nice. Klaus asked Five to hold his hand a few times (unsuccessful attempts, but attempts nonetheless) and at least got a conversation out of him. A part of him ached to go the familiar alleyway where he could grab a quick _happy pill,_ but he reminded himself about _why_ he got sober by looking at Five.

He was sober to help his little brother. That’s his goal. He can fuck around once Five is completely safe, which will be years… and maybe by then, Klaus will get rid of the need to get high.

 _A man can dream…_ Klaus thought.

“What kinda music do you like?” He ended up asking, just to fill the silence.

“What a dumb question.” Five glared at him, “What do you _actually_ want to ask?”

Klaus contemplated asking him about his powers, but decided against it. He still wasn’t sure how comfortable his little brother would be with that.

“Do you miss the Old Man?” Klaus settled on. That was a safe question, right?

“No.” Five’s voice dipped to a level of disgust Klaus didn’t believe a child could muster, “I didn’t talk to him a lot. It was like he was never there.”

“No shared lunches?” He frowned.

“Yeah, but he never talked… um, he played the radio.”

Klaus remembered too bitterly that dumb voice on the record player he would play  _every_ breakfast, lunch, and supper. He could remember every time a blood vessel almost popped because he was hearing that voice in the silence of long night.

“Anything you want to ask me?” Klaus asked, “It’s only fair we exchange questions.”

Five answered so quickly that he was _sure_ he had practiced it, “What’s it like seeing ghost?”

 _Horrible,_ Klaus imagined answering, _it makes me want to drink a whole bottle of cologne._

“Not as fun as you’d think.” He answered lamely, “The only fun ghost is Ben.”

“Can you ask to see people?” Five’s hand brushed his own. Klaus must have scared him away when he looked down to see it, because he hurried to tuck his hands into his pockets. Shucks.

“Yeah, I can…” Klaus forced a smile, “They often find me before I call them, though.”

“Can you talk to people you don’t know?”

“Mhm.”

“... Would you talk to someone for me?”

Klaus felt a tightness fill his stomach. _Fuck._ Who was Five going to ask for? He will _not_ traumatize Five more. He refuses to contact any possible family members-- what if he ruins his life?

“Who?” He asked, knowing the blood was rushing out of his face.

“Isaac Newton.” Five’s answer actually made Klaus trip. He tried playing it off, but it was sloppy. He looked at his little brother in shock, _very_ confused about his answer.

“Why on earth do you want to talk to him?” He asked.

Five looked at him challengingly, “I want to see if he actually invented gravity with an apple falling on his head.”

Klaus couldn’t stop the wide grin coming up to his face, “Y’know what, buddy? I’ll sure try.”

Five seemed satisfied with that. He looked away with a pleased smile on his face, a glint of curiosity in his eyes.

What a heartwarming, innocent reason to talk to the dead. It’s a nice refresher to Klaus’s usual beggars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out this link to see a pic of a scene in the story!:  
> https://gentlemenpaws.tumblr.com/post/184452214121/klaus-was-thoroughly-ashamed-of-the-fact-that-he  
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!! I appreciate it so much.


	3. Walk to Griddys [pt 2]

Klaus wished he had anything but a flip phone. The pictures he snapped when he finally introduced Five to Griddy’s Doughnuts did no justice to the amount of childish wonder on his face. Klaus excitedly invited him over to his family’s usual sitting spot (a booth closest to the exit), frantically trying to keep up Five’s enthusiasm with some fun stories from his childhood while he was here.

“Y’know, the others and I used to come here all the time.” He made no comment when Five climbed to sit right beside him rather than across. He sort of appreciated the proximity.

“Why?” Five reached over the table to grab the pepper and salt shaker. Klaus supposed he liked the shape they were in.

“Well, we didn’t get a lot of free time,” He explained, “so we would just kinda ditch and go here. Made the Old Man _so fuckin’ mad._ But it was worth it. One time, Luther and Diego chugged three bottles of pop and threw up all over the sidewalk outside.”

“Can we do that?” Five shook the salt shaker, wrinkling his nose when only a few specks dropped out.

“Let's not.” Klaus hurried to snatch the salt shaker away from Five before he figured out how to twist the top off, “What are you doing?”

“I dunno. I’ve never been here.”

“You’ve never been in a restaurant, or something?”

“No.”

Klaus paused. He slowly slid the shaker back to Five. If he’s honest, he’s not sure if he got to see the outside world at age five either, but seeing another kid go through the same treatment they did? It was like Reginald didn’t realize why they all left in the first place. It was as if he thought the reason they left was because they had felt affection in their life, so he decided to take it from Five.

“Hey there boys,” Agnes, his favourite old waitress, strolled forward with a pen in her thin fingers and a notebook held ready for action, “What can I getcha? Oh, who’s the little boy, Klaus?”

“My brother.” Klaus gave his best, most parental smile of pride, “He’s _five_ years old.”

“I’m almost six.” Five corrected.

Agnes flashed a quick smile, “Sweet kid.”

“You have no idea.” Klaus patted Five’s shoulder, jerking his hand back when Five swatted at him, “Uh, can we get a few random donuts and maybe two cheese burgers?”

Agnes scribbled their order down, “Do you want a pair for each donut?”

“Yes.” Five answered for him, “Coffee, too.”

“You like coffee?” He blinked incredulously at his brother. Are kids legally allowed to like coffee? He’ll check with Diego. “What about milk?”

“I want coffee.” Five said sternly.

“Okay. Coffee, please.” Klaus looked to Agnes, waiting until she looked up to mouth the words _hot chocolate!_

She instantly knew what he was trying to do.

“Can do, boys.” She smiled and turned away.

“Why do you want to have coffee? Did Dad let you have coffee?” Klaus asked, taking the pepper shaker and crashing it lightly into Five’s salt shaker. Five retaliated by hitting his shaker right back.

“No. But I saw you have it this morning, so I wanna try it.” Five glanced at him, as if testing to see how he reacted.

Klaus’s heart warmed up pleasantly. A part of him wanted to grab Five and squeeze him.

“That’s a solid reason.” He said, hoping his affection wasn’t showing too plainly on his face, “I’ll let you have some of mine next time, okay?”

Five mumbled and looked back to their salt-and-pepper shaker war, tapping Klaus’s fingers with his shaker. Klaus peppered his shaker on Five’s arm.

The look of shock on Five’s face was absolutely priceless.

“I’m gonna tell that lady,” Five announced.

Klaus feigned fear, “You wouldn’t!”

“I will.”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’ll tell her you started it.” He threatened.

Five shrugged, “I’m five, remember?”

“You’re almost six!”

“Maybe so.”

Klaus laughed and rolled his eyes, “You’re a piece of work, kid.”

Five set down the salt shaker, brushing off his peppered arm with a huff of frustration. “You got me dirty. You owe me.”

“Alright,” Klaus conceded, “I owe you. We’ll figure it out tonight, how about that?”

“I _guess_ that’s okay.”

He laughed, quickly slapping a hand on his mouth to silence it. Who knew hanging out with children was literally the best way to spend a day? Klaus wonders if he should switch his job to instead working at a daycare.

 _Nah,_ He decided, _I like being around Five too much._

His phone vibrating broke his thinking. He plucked it out of his pocket, answering the call without looking at the ID to see who it was.

“Hello?”

“KLAUS!”

He winced away from the phone, “Hi, um… gimme a second, okay?”

_Diego. Fuck, why now, of all times?_

“Hey, Five, would you let me through? I’ve gotta take this call outside.” Klaus smiled sheepishly, “I think this might get loud. I don’t wanna disrupt everybody else here.”

Five stared at him for a bit before scooting out of the booth and letting Klaus slip away. He went right outside, standing a few steps away from the door and windows just so Five couldn’t hear him but he could still see him. As long as Five knew he wasn’t leaving him, everything was fine.

“What is it?” Klaus asked Diego after unmuting him.

“Why the _hell_ is Eudora not telling me anything about you guys? Did you not tell her where you live? I had to steal your number from her phone!”

Klaus rocked on his heels awkwardly. _Fuck…_

“No,” He mumbled, “I asked her not to tell you.”

Silence filled the call.

“Look,” Klaus tried to summon up the exact wording he used with Patch when he begged her not to tell anybody his address, “I don’t want any of you seeing Five, yet.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yeah, I am.” He bristled a bit, “And you’re not entitled to see a brother you didn’t want to help in the first place.”

“I was _busy,_ Klaus!”

“Fuck that! You were busy living a dream. We’re not superheroes anymore, Diego. And that little boy could have gotten out a hell-of-a-lot sooner if you stepped up instead of waiting for me to get clean.” Diego didn’t answer for a bit, which Klaus welcomed. He needed to relax before his yelling exceeded the glass window.

“I’m not keeping him from you all forever.” Klaus said, “Just a month. I want Five to get used to life without Dad breathing down his neck, then I’ll let you visit him. Alright?”

“... Yeah, sure man…”

Klaus felt his shoulders loosen up and he breathed out in relief, “Thank you.”

“Hey… you’re being more responsible than I’ve ever seen you be in years, Klaus… So… good job.”

Klaus decided to take that awkward congratulations as what it was. A real compliment, from his coldest brother. It felt a little nice.

“Yeah, thanks… listen, I promise I’ll tell you when Five is ready to meet you all, okay? Just… give us time.”

“Yeah, can do.”

Diego hung up before Klaus could say goodbye. He went right back into the shop after that, forcing a smile for Five and scooting in to sit beside him. Their food had arrived, thankfully, and Five had already taken the liberty to bite half of every donut, claiming them as his.

“You looked like you were mad.” Five noted, eyeing him curiously while he nibbled at a strawberry jam filled donut. “What’d the person on the phone say?”

“Oh, the usual,” Klaus waved his hand, “you’re too cool and my son is jealous that he’s not the kid with you at the donut shop.”

Five rolled his eyes, “If that kid wants to switch, I’m okay with that.”

“Hey!”

Klaus and Five ate and talked for the rest of the time they stayed at Griddy’s. Five asked more questions about talking to famous people from the past (most notable being Plato) and Klaus got to get a few of Five’s interest out of him (board games and documentaries. Who knew?).

Klaus did think about Diego every once-in-awhile, but he reminded himself that if the family _really_ did want to be apart of his brother’s life, they would have fought like he did. He asked every single one of them (except Luther, because how do you get in contact with an astronaut?) for help, and they all told him to let Five be.

He’s so goddamn glad he didn’t.


	4. Plead the Sixth

Klaus overslept. He _overslept_ and now it was 10:00 AM and he can’t find Five.

Okay, that’s a little melodramatic because he hasn’t looked farther than Five’s bedroom, but this is a small house! Where the hell could a tiny man hide?

“Why don’t you just yell for him?” Ben asked while Klaus ceremoniously chewed off the remainder of his fingernails.

“I don’t want him to think he’s in trouble!” He threw his hands up, “You remember how much Dad yelled at us?”

“No.”

Klaus paused. “Oh, me neither, actually. Who yelled at us?”

“Pogo.”

He wrinkled his nose and snorted. Yeah, fuck that guy. He turned to go down the hall, because he might as well check the kitchen or the living room before he calls detective Patch in complete panic. Maybe Five figured out how to plug in the DVD player? He hopes so, because it’s been a solid few days before he’s bothered touching that thing.

Just as he started walking down the hall, he saw Five burst into the kitchen, clearly on a mission. Klaus’s heart skipped a beat from how much relief he felt. So he  _didn't_ misplace his kid brother!

“Hey!” Klaus said as sweetly as a nervous brother could sound, which sounded freaky even to his own ears, “What’re you doin’ Buddy?”

When Klaus turned the corner to go into the kitchen, he blinked a couple times in shock. Five was missing, as if he hadn’t ran into the kitchen in the first place. He searched, looking under chairs, the table, and even snuck a glance in the cupboards. No Five.

“How the fuck? Was he not in here?” Klaus looked to Ben.

“I saw him run in here too.” Ben frowned, then perked, “Wait, lemme check his room again.”

“We already _checked_ there.”

“Just, humour me.”

So Klaus waited in the kitchen like a dunce while his brother slipped off to go check a room he already _knew_ would be empty. Why does he get himself into these situations? Truly, parenting should not be this hard. He's sure Allison doesn't have to deal with this. She gets a cute little girl that probably eats her vegetables. 

Ben reappeared with a smug look, “He’s in his room.”

“What?” He exclaimed, “But… But that’s against the rules!”

He’s pretty fucking sure Galileo or whoever said something like _little kids can’t hide in plain sight or disappear from the kitchen to their bedroom because that’s not fucking fair._

“Well, clearly, you missed him.” Ben shrugged.

That’s reasonable. Klaus had to force himself to believe it was reasonable, or else his body was still trying to get over the drugs he stopped taking months ago, and he _cannot_ allow that thought to haunt him. He has to be clean for Five or else he could risk losing him.

It may have been only six days since he brought Five home, but he’s not sure he could handle losing his little brother because of his own mistakes.

So, Klaus hurried to make his way to Five’s bedroom and breathed a sigh of relief when he found him lying on the floor, a poptart in hand with a wrapper carelessly thrown to the side.

“Hey, dude! You scared me!”

“Why?” Five wrinkled his nose at him.

Klaus sat down beside Five, scooping up his second poptart and breaking it in half. Five made a noise of betrayal and Klaus rolled his eyes in response while setting one half of the poptart back where Five had it and chewing on the other.

“That was _mine,_ you thief.” Five sat up, “You have two more in the kitchen.”

“Then you can steal half of mine next time!” Klaus reached a hand out to fix up Five’s messily brushed hair, “Did you take a shower?”

“Yeah.” Five slapped his hand away, “Did _you?”_

“Nope.”

“I can tell.”

Klaus pressed a hand to his chest, “Excuse you! I smell like flowers twenty-four-seven!”

Five laughed, loud and short. Klaus kinda adored how he laughed, it was a nice contrast to the usual snorts he’d hear from Ben or Luther, or how Allison would giggle until she had to leave the room.

“So, what’cha got planned for today?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Five kicked away a stray book Klaus had borrowed from the local library, “Can we go on a walk again?”

Klaus’s body shrieked at the idea. Since he started his job, he’s had to work incredibly late shifts (9 PM to 5 AM), and trying to create energy to play with Five was becoming strenuous. But he didn’t want Five to think he was a _boring_ brother, so fuck what his body says.

“Yeah, we can go on a walk again.” Klaus smiled as brightly as he could, “Just wait a lil’ bit while I take a shower and get dressed, okay?”

Five scrambled up onto his feet, “Okay, but hurry, because I read that there’s something happening today at noon and it’s… um… It sounded fun.”

He blinked, wondering idly where Five could have read something like that, “Where is it?”

Five made a face, “I’ll show you. Just hurry, okay?”

 _Alright._ Klaus nodded and stood up, “Okay, kiddo.”

Five got a look of relief on his face. Klaus wondered if his power had something to do with it, if Five was perhaps hiding something related to sight. Maybe he could sense things from really far away?

He stored that idea for later as he made his way to the shower.

Day six. Day _six_ of having Five into his custody… he can’t believe he’s gotten this far.

* * *

Five was _extremely_ excited to drag him along to wherever they were going. To be honest, Klaus suspected for a hot second that his little brother might be leading him to his death. Only because Five turned into a _REALLY_ freaky alley!

But when Klaus saw the crudely painted flowers and some very choice swear words, he knew they were in no danger.

“How do you know where to go?” Klaus asked, holding onto Five’s hand like a lifeline. Five pulled him along faster.

“I’ve been there before.”

“Dad let you out?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“You _snuck_ out?”

Five glared at him. Klaus supposed that counted as _being stupid._

“You’re five!” Klaus exclaimed, “How the hell did you sneak out of that damn house? I broke my jaw trying to leave, once! Granted, I was wearing heels, but I’m always wearing heels.”

“Why would heels make you trip?” His little brother eyed him a bit, “Aren’t they like tall sneakers?”

Klaus laughed, “You know the shoes that mom wears?”

Five nodded after a moment.

“Those are heels.”

“What!” His eyes widened, “She makes it look easy, though. How’d you trip?”

“I’ll let you wear my heels when we get home.” Klaus promised, ignoring the offended gasp of a lady they passed, “I'll watch you figure out how to walk in them. Then, and only then, do you get to judge me.”

“Excuse me!” Exclaimed the broad, “That young boy doesn’t need you pushing your lifestyle on him! Shame on you! What a horrible father you are--”

Klaus would have ignored her had Five not planted his feet in the ground and looked back at her. Five’s young, sweet face turned dark and haunted. Klaus tried to pull him along, but _somehow_ Five’s hand disappeared from his and he was in front of that lady in the same second.

“Don’t talk to my brother like that.” He snarled with a venom that struck horror in Klaus. That sounded an awful lot like the way Dad used to sneer at them when they asked a dumb question. “If you even _think_ about my brother again, I’ll stab your ankles, lady.”

“WOAH!” Klaus exclaimed, rushing to lift his little brother up and onto his shoulders, “Sorry about that! Little boy skipped his nap. I’ll just, uh, be off.”

The lady was so flabbergasted that she didn’t even yell after them. Klaus wasn’t sure if he appreciated that or not.

“Jesus, kid!” He started, “You can’t just threaten to stab people’s ankles, no matter how funny that is.”

Ben seemed to appear out of nowhere beside him, glaring harshly. Klaus opted to ignore it. Ben could  _not_ deny the absolute hilarity of their little brother's threat.

“She called you horrible.” Five said, pulling a bit on Klaus’s hair, “That deserves more than getting stabbed in the ankle.”

He snorted, “Well, stab her in your free time, how ‘bout that, kid?”

There was a pause, and then an all-too-eager “Okay.” right after.

“Y’know what?” Klaus squeezed where he held Five’s legs, “I take that back. No stabbing her.”

“Good parenting.” Ben said encouragingly.

“I know it’s good parenting not to let your kid stab people!” Klaus defended himself, “You don’t need to tell me that.”

“Can we still go to my thing?” Five asked in a small voice. “I really want to.”

Klaus nodded, “Yeah, buddy, we’re still going to your thing.”

“Okay, good!” Five kicked his legs, “Then let me down, I wanna walk ahead.”

Klaus settled him down and quickly reached out to hold his hand. Five let him, even gave him a little squeeze before leading once again. It took a while before Five finally made a noise of recognition and pointed frantically across the street.

“There!” Five exclaimed, “Look!”

Klaus followed his eyes, blinking slowly when he realized it was a long wall on an abandoned building, filled with graffiti. There were a few children and adults together. If he had to guess, this was a class on how to do graffiti art.

“Woah.” He gawked.

“They’re painting on the walls.” Five said, “I have some paint too. We can paint.”

“Oh, that’s not paint, buddy...” Klaus paused for a bit, “Wait, where’d you get the paint? And where is it?” Five only had on a sweater and his uniform shorts. There’s no way he’d be able to hide paint in there.

Well, there were a few ways Klaus learned from his old drug buddies, but he's pretty sure Five wouldn't think of anything crazy like that.

“Wait here.” Five said, “I’ll be right back.” What does _that_ mean?!

Klaus let Five ease him down to sit on the sidewalk while he anxiously took in his every movement. What was Five thinking? He couldn't just let him go.

“What is he trying to do?” Ben asked, alarm clear in his voice, “You can’t let him leave, Klaus!”

“Hey, Five,” Klaus held onto Five’s hand despite him trying to step away, “How about we go buy some real paint, huh? We can paint on some paper.”

“No, I got this paint just for us.” Five said calmly, eyeing him with such jarring patience, “Don’t worry. It’s at the house.”

“It’s _Huh?”_ Klaus’s eyes widened, “Why didn’t you _tell me?_ I would have held it in my purse, man!”

“Klaus.” Five patted his shoulder, which Klaus thought was so adorable but also extremely confusing, “It’s okay. Just let go. I’ll be back.”

Something about the way Five said it actually made Klaus listened. He slowly let go of his baby brother’s hand, ready to stand up at a seconds notice if Five started to walk away. He wasn’t stupid. He would _never_ let his brother out into the world alone.

Logically, that’s fucked up. Personally? He loves Five too much to even consider it.

And when his little brother took a step back and disappeared in a wave of blue? Klaus actually _screamed_. He jumped to his feet, panic flooding him in the worse way. His fingers felt numb. He  _literally_ cannot register his heart beating.

“Five?” He yelled, “Five? Oh my God, FIVE!”

“Klaus, breathe!” Ben yelled in his face, totally not calming him down like his dear brother might have hoped, “He couldn’t have gone far.”

“Where did he go?” Klaus asked, looking around desperately, “Five? Five! I need to call Diego. I need to call someone. Oh my _God,_ I lost my baby brother! I lost my baby brother, Ben!”

Five’s voice piped up from beside him, “You didn’t lose me, Klaus.”

Klaus spun around. His only course of action was to hug Five tightly and lift him off the floor. He held him as tightly as possible, keeping him close because a part of him worried that the earth would play a cruel trick on him and steal him away again.

“Don’t _ever_ fucking do that again.” Klaus breathed in.

“I got the paint.” Five said, patting his head awkwardly.

“W...What?”

Klaus pulled away from Five, setting him down and kneeling to his height. Five did, in fact, have a watercolour paint set in his hand with two thin brushes. They were still packaged, as if Five had waited specifically for this moment to open it. Klaus’s heart hurt and warmed at the same time.

“How?” He and Ben asked at the same time.

Five made a face of frustration. “I thought you knew.”

“Knew…?”

Five fiddled with the paint brushes, “My powers…”

 _Oh._ Klaus thought, eyes widening. He did consider Five’s powers, but never like this. The rest of them had _never_ seen anything as powerful as... that. The closest to that was Ben, and Ben _died._

“Your… your powers…?” He parroted stupidly.

Five nodded, “I can jump through space.”

Klaus had no idea what that fucking meant but okay. Sure. Why not.

“Okay… okay.” He took a breath, “That’s how you’ve been going from one spot to the next?”

Five looked up idly, “I thought you noticed.”

“He really overestimated you, huh?” Ben asked.

Klaus shot a glare at his brother. It felt a little bad not noticing Five’s powers for what they were, but he felt even worse not knowing how to help keep Five save. What if his little brother went to a dangerous place? What if his little brother got hurt and his powers wouldn’t take him where he needed to go?

A horrible part of him hissed that he needed to talk to his dad; that he needed to get everything he could ever know about Five. How else could he keep him safe? A softer, more hopeful part told him he didn’t need to worry about it. That Five was a smart kid and knew what he was doing.

But he knew that his mind had been made up.

Klaus realized that he had been staring at his brother for a second too long. He looked down at the paint still in his hand, reaching out to touch it. “You got this for us to use?”

“Mhm…”

“... Well…” Klaus threw up an easy smile, “Let’s go paint something.”

Five’s face brightened.


	5. Slightly Illegal [pt. 1]

It’s been two weeks since Klaus has taken in Five. To be honest, it all feels like a blur, and yet he can remember every specific instance he’s had with his little brother. A part of him wonders if that’s just how normal parenting works; if legal guardians experience time at a startlingly fast rate and yet, somehow, know the exact time and date it all happened.

He tried texting Allison about it, but he never got a response. Klaus supposes that’s fair; his sister is busy. She has a family of her own. He just kinda thought maybe, just  _ maybe _ , shooting a quick text back at least 96 hours later would be the norm, but whatever. He’s talked to detective Patch instead, asking her about Five almost every time, so that’s made up for it.

Five’s finally showed him his powers  _ (once again, Klaus has no idea how it all works)  _ and he’s gotten a lot more open with his affection. In a strange, violent way. Klaus made the mistake of complaining about his boss (who hiked up his hours) to Ben without checking to see if Five was around, and Five came back to him a day later with an entire plan to make his work place bankrupt.

“How long did this take you?” Klaus had asked, trying not to laugh because Five’s face was as stoic as Diego’s whenever he talked about a case.

“Eight hours.” Five lifted up eight fingers, “I went to your job and mapped out everything.”

Klaus tipped his head, “Who taught you how to do that?” 

“Dad.”

“Figures.”

Klaus had told Five that they’ll go forward with the plan once he finds a replacement job, just to appease him. Five seemed thoroughly pleased that he accepted his help, so he and Ben decided to ask him for it more often. It’s worked rather well, actually. Five’s become extremely open with offering his advice which, more-often-than-not, is actually  _ great _ advice.

“That’s the funny thing about Five,” Ben said fondly, “he just wants to help. I can’t think of a time any of us  _ actually _ wanted to help.”

“Hey!” Klaus pointed at his brother, “I wanted to help when I was little!”

Ben lifted a brow, “When?”

“Well… what about our third bank heist?”

“Allison made you do that. Literally.”

Klaus flopped down on his couch, “Well… you got me there.”

Ben sat on the couch arm, “So… what’s your plan with Five’s powers?”

Klaus stifled a yawn, “I don’t  _ have _ one. I trust him.”

“Just because you know he won’t do anything bad doesn’t mean something bad won’t happen to him.” Ben crossed his arms, fiddling with the string of his jacket for a bit, “Why don’t you just… sneak in Dad’s place and steal his file?”

“And get arrested? Yeah, let’s do that.”

Ben huffed.

“Look,” Klaus sat up, “I can’t even find the time to figure out what to do. I’m not a detective, so let’s just leave it where it is, and I’ll--”

“Diego’s a detective.”

“Diego’s a fake detective.” 

Ben shrugged, “He’s got credentials.”

Klaus shook his head, “He’s not helping us. He’ll use it as a trade away for seeing Five.”

Ben became silent at that. He knew he was right. 

“What about Patch?” Ben suggested.

“Do you think she would?” Klaus sat up a bit, “Like… that’s not illegal, or anything?”

“I don’t think so.” His brother paused, then made a face of uncertainty, “I’m sure she’d tell you if it was.”

“That’s fair.” Klaus sat up, taking out his phone to check the time. 6:12 AM. “I should probably sleep before Five wakes up.”

“Want me to keep an eye on him?” Ben asked, “He’s usually--”

_ “Klaus?” _

“--awake at 6 AM, apparently.”

“Yeah, buddy?” Klaus asked, forcing himself to sound wide awake and hurried to rub away the tiredness from his eyes, “What do you need?”

Five peeked out from around the corner, glancing around cautiously before hurrying to stand beside him, “I’m sleeping with you tonight.”

Klaus blinked, “Huh?”

He nodded, “Tonight. Right now.”

Ben and him shared a glance. Ben seemed just as confused as he was.

“Why?” Klaus asked, scrambling to sit up, “What’s up?”

Five grumbled something, then reached out to grab Klaus’s sleeve, “Le’s go.”

“Okay, okay.” He followed Five’s persistent tugging all the way to his bedroom, “Sure, whatever.”

“Ask if he had a nightmare.” Ben suggested.

“Did you have a nightmare?” He parotted.

Five glared at him stiffly, “I dont wanna talk about it.”

Klaus could sympathize with that. He let Five crawl into his bed first, making himself comfy before patting the empty spot beside himself. He laid right beside Five, wondering what could have startled his little brother. Was it unusual that Five wasn’t crying? Should he be concerned about that? He looked towards where Ben was, silently willing him to understand his concern.

Ben just shrugged, then disappeared. So much for that brotherly telepathy.

“Goodnight.” Five mumbled, making a show of shoving a pillow between them and curling up.

Klaus swallowed his laugh, “G’night, Five.” 

As much as he wanted to ponder on what Five was hiding, he was too exhausted to function without a proper nap. He let himself relax, closing his eyes and falling asleep faster than he’s ever had before. 

The joys of parenting.

. . .

When Klaus woke up, he realized that Five had rolled over the pillow and tucked into his side. Which was fine, because Klaus didn’t really want to get up anyway, but he also had to go to the bathroom. It was a real conflict of interest.

“Fuck.” Klaus grumbled to himself.

“You know you shouldn’t curse around kids.” Ben suggested from  _ somewhere  _ in the room. “Also, Diego  _ and _ Patch called a few times. You have a few texts, too.”

“Great.” Klaus mumbled, “I left my phone in the kitchen.”

“That’s correct.”

“I have a kid drooling on my shoulder.”

“Mmhm.”

“You’re the worst brother I have. Shouldn’t you be trying to help me? Parenting is a two-man job.”

Ben laughed, “Just slide away. He won’t notice!”

Klaus decided to take his brother’s advice and slowly lean aside, carefully catching himself on the ground when he rolled off. Five made a noise of disgust before growling and hiding his face into the mattress. Well, seemed like that worked.

“Huh… guess I owe you an apology.” Klaus whispered to Ben, tip-toeing it out of his room. “You’re not totally useless.”

Ben just snorted and made a motion with his arm. “You gonna check the phone?” 

“Bathroom first,” He bursted past his brother once he shut his bedroom door, “Socialization second!”

After he washed his hands and dried them on his shirt (which he promptly threw off afterwards), he booked it to his phone. A part of him figured he should call Diego first, but another piece of him warned him against it. Maybe he should just pretend he never saw the missing calls. That seems like a logical plan.

“Check the texts.” Ben peaked over his shoulder, “What’d she say?”

“Uh…” Klaus cleared his throat and put on his best Detective Patch voice,  _ “Do NOT fucking do it… Klaus I swear to god... Did you figure out how to work the dishwasher…”  _

He stood in thought for a second before sending a quick text back.

“Figured it out…” He mumbled to himself, “XOXO.”

“Dude.” Ben’s hand phased through his head, as if he was trying to smack him, “Call her!”

“Why?” Klaus groaned, “It’s not  _ that  _ important, whatever she’s talking about!”

Ben looked like he was going to add more until the phone buzzed in his hand. Klaus stifled a groan when he realized it was Diego. 

“Here we go.” He sighed, flipping it open and answering the call, “Hello, you’ve reached Reginald Hargreeves’s fourth mistake. Please leave a message after the beep.”

“Very funny.” Diego’s humourless laugh filtered through, “I got a... proposal.” 

Klaus almost threw his phone, but he decided to humour him. “Does it include money?”

“...Sure.”

“... Sure?”

“Look, I’ll pay whatever, I just need you to find dirt on this guy.”

“Wait, this  _ isn’t  _ about Five?”

“What? No.”

Klaus blinked stupidly, “Oh. Wait, what is this? What’s happening?”

“I’m trying to prove this detective is a shady bastard but Patch won’t listen to me. She likes him too much. Wanna help?”

“Why are you trying to prove he’s shady?” Klaus asked, although a piece of him already knew the answer.

“Because he just is!”

Yep, jealousy at its finest.

He looked to Ben, waging the way he shook his head and glared. “Yeah, sure, why not? Lemme, uh… figure out what to do with Five, I guess.”

“... You could always bring him Or  _ I  _ could watch him…? No worries, or anything.”

“Yes worries! I have worries.” Klaus wrinkled his nose, “No offense, but I will not make Five an accomplice to a potentially shady cop-case.”

“...Y’know… he’d lower his guard with a kid around…”

“Are you  _ seriously _ trying to use two of your brothers as pawns? Because, first off, I love that. Second off, I hate that you chose me. What about Luther? Or our dear sister, Vanya? I’m sure you could blame her for some homicide. The normies always do the worst damage.”

_ It’s believable, at least.  _ He thought with a self-amused snort. 

“Not a bad idea. We’ll do that next.”

Klaus just sighed and rolled his eyes, “How about this. I gotta talk to detective Patch today anyway, so how about I check him out while I do that?”

Silence.

“Okay, not  _ literally  _ check him out.”

“You can never be too sure.”

Klaus rolled his eyes, “G’bye, Diego. Love you!”

“Thanks.”

“Who ends a call like that?” Klaus asked Ben when Diego  _ rudely  _ hung up without a goodbye,  _ “Thanks…  _ what a fuckin’-”

“I can’t believe you agreed to that.” Ben cut him off with a glare.

“Well…” He shrugged, “Why not, I guess?”

While Ben groaned, Klaus went to go and take a quick shower. He’d do that and wake up Five afterwards so they can both be getting ready. When he woke up Five, his little brother groaned and swatted at him until Klaus expertly bribed him with a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich. 

He doesn’t know why Five likes those sandwiches. But, He asks for them  _ all  _ of the time, so it worked as a bribe.

“Klaus,” Five called while he walked into the kitchen and raised up an ugly comb. Klaus understood it as an invitation to brush his hair, which he took because it was one of the few genuinely affectionate things Five let him do. 

“Too lazy to do it yourself?” He teased, trying to make Five’s wet hair look like a mohawk.

“Tired.” Five mumbled, “You snore too loud.”

Klaus made a noise of embarrassment, “I do not!”

“Yeah, you do.”

Klaus looked to Ben for help, but his traitor of a brother smirked and parotted Five, little demonic voice ‘n’ all. 

“Just for that, I might put your hair in pigtails.” Klaus threatened.

“M’hair’s not long enough for that.” Five said, though did sound somewhat interested, “... is it?”

He shrugged, “I could try it out?”

Five seemed to genuinely consider it before shaking his head and ruining the perfect devil horns Klaus worked on, “Not today.”

“Alrighty.” Klaus ended up brushing Five’s hair to one side like he usually has it,  _ “There, _ you little gremlin.”

“Sandwich?”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” 

While he started making Five his cavity-inducing breakfast, Ben made himself at home beside their little brother. 

“Hey, do you think he’d freak out if you talked to him for me?” Ben asked.

“Probably. Hey Five, would you freak out if I spoke for Ben to you?”

Five stared at him for a bit, then shook his head. He looked like he didn’t know how to process the information. “He’s here?”

“Yeah, he’s always around.” Klaus cut off the crust of the sandwich, “He’s the equivalent of a spiritual STD.”

“What’s an STD?”

He choked. Oops.

“Uhh… it’s like glitter.” Klaus set the plate in front of his little brother, “So,” He directed his attention to Ben, “what do you wanna say to our favourite brother?”

Ben stared at Five for a bit, a look in his eyes that Klaus didn’t exactly know how to name. Longing, maybe? 

“I wish I could be there for him like you.” He said, “Y’know? I wish I could be  _ here.” _

Klaus really wondered where all of this self pitying came from. A piece of him was sympathetic, but another part of him also didn’t want to make Five bawl again. He still feels awful about doing it the first time.

Five interrupted his thoughts, “What’d he say?” 

“He… he says he wishes he could be here with us, buddy.” Klaus leaned on the table, offering up a smile. 

“What do you mean?” Five’s eyebrows furrowed, “You  _ just _ said he was always around. STD, remember?”

The hilarity of Five seriously saying  _ STD _ made Klaus burst into a fit of giggles. He swallowed them down before Five’s glare burned a hole through his head. Ben ended up laughing too, but he didn’t have to deal with a five-year-old’s furious stare.

“You’re right.” Klaus said, reaching over to fix a stray lock of hair on Five’s head because it was curling in the most unprofessional fashion, “Ben’s always here. Glad you set that straight with him.”

“Do we have anything planned today?” Five asked, swatting away Klaus’s hand after a second or so, “I want to do something.”

“Okay, but, uh, I gotta do something first.” Klaus sat down at the table, “I need to visit Detective Patch, so-”

“I don’t wanna see her.” Five wrinkled his nose, “She’s pushy.”

“She’s not pushy!”

“Yeah, she is.”

“She dated your brother Diego, you know.”

“Even worse.”

He threw his hands up, “C’mon kid! I gotta see her. I can’t leave you unsupervised.”

“Ben’s here!”

“Ben’s fucking dead!” 

Ben barked at him,  _ “Language!” _

Five turned his head to the side, startling Klaus because he was looking  _ right _ where Ben was seated, “You’re not dead, are you?”

“...Nope.” Ben answered back after a beat, a glint of mischief in his eye that Klaus hissed at.

“Ben said he is.” He pointed at Five, “Don’t go trying to trick me into thinking dead people aren’t dead. While hilarious, it’s not gonna work.”

Five groaned, chewing his sandwich furiously before giving a begrudging nod. “Fine. But afterwards, I wanna do my thing.”

“What’s your thing?”

“We’re gonna walk around the city.”

Klaus could already feel the ache in his legs. “We did that a few days ago, remember?”

“No,” Five sighed irritably, “you walked me to the preschool and told me you were too tired to keep going.”

“... That’s how big the city is.”

“Klaus!”

“Okay!” He sighed, “Alright! I’ll walk you around. The walk to the police station will be fun enough, won’t it, though?”

His little brother rolled his eyes so hard he had to wonder if it hurt. “I’ll walk by myself if you don’t wanna go.”

“I’ll go!” He said quickly, “I’ll go! Just lemme get my ducks in order.”

Five stared at him for a while before leaning in slightly, “You have ducks?”

“Yes.” Klaus answered without thinking.

“Where are they?”

“Invisible.”

Klaus inwardly cheered his many years of street improv, because he somehow kept his face straight while Five jerked in surprise and physically fought the need to look around for invisible ducks. 

“You’re literally such a dick.” Ben said.

“Ben says you better hurry up and get your shoes on if you wanna walk around.” Klaus smiled at his brother, “I’ll pack a snack while you do that, huh?”

“Okay.” Five climbed off his chair, hesitating for a second before slowly setting his feet on the floor. It’s sort of sweet knowing his little brother cared about not stepping on nonexistent ducks but he really wished it wasn’t as hilarious as it was because Klaus wasn’t  _ that  _ good at acting.

“You know you’re gonna have to tell him that the ducks aren’t actually there, right?” Ben lifted a brow, “And I hope he comes after you for it.”

“Five’s like a kitten! He won’t do anything.” Klaus waves his hand.

“He threaten to stab a lady.”

“Don’t we all?”

Five’s voice broke their conversation, “Klaus! Hurry up!”

“The youth is as patient as ever.” Klaus teased, scrambling up to his feet and hurrying to make a quick snack for the two of them later. 

Gosh, he just hopes he can stay awake for the entirety of the day.

. . . 

Five did not let him take an uber, despite his constant begging.

“I like walking.” His infuriating brother insisted, “We’re walking.”

“This  _ sucks!”  _ Klaus wailed, “Let your best big brother take a nap on the way over.”

“We can nap later.” Five swatted away Klaus’s hand when he reached towards him, “Stop trying to hold my hand.”

“Fine,” Klaus groaned, “just so you know, I’m trying to hold your hand because  _ I  _ don’t wanna get lost. But, whatever, choose your pride over your brother.”

Five stared at him for a bit before reaching out and squeezing his fingers around Klaus’s purse handle. “There.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Klaus,” Ben’s hand phased through his shoulder, “we just passed the Police Station-”

“Frick!” Klaus skidded to a halt and quickly looked back. Yep, they walked past the station. “Stations right there, Five, wanna run inside while I make a quick call?”

Five let go of his purse, “Why can’t I just use my powers?”

“Because that’s rude.”

“Hmph.”

Klaus waited until his brother was a few feet away before making a call to Diego. He followed behind slowly, trying not to get irritated when he was sent straight to voicemail. He called again.

“Hello, you’ve reached Reginald Hargreeves’s second mistake.” 

“You literally do not get to take my joke, it’s trademarked.” Klaus said, exasperated, “You’re not here, right?”

“Why? Scared I’ll ruin your one-month free trial with our brother?”

“You didn’t share your Netflix password, I’m not sharing my Family-Bonding-Time password!”

Diego made a noise across the phone that came across as both irritated and fond, “Rest assured, I am far from the station. I’m actually at a-”

“Yeah, I’mma stop you there on the grounds of  _ Not boring me to death.  _ Which, would be no small feat. since as far as I know, I can’t die. But whatever.”

“... Okay, we’ll run by that small tidbit of information later.”

“We will not!” Klaus declared, “I gotta keep some secrets to myself, don’t I? Anyway, we’re on our way inside. So, any names I should be looking out for?”

“Yeah, his name is-”

“Klaus!” Five screamed at him from the door, “Hurry up!”

“Who was that?”

Klaus almost panicked but tried to keep his voice calm, “The pizza man.”

“That’s Five, isn’t it?”

“Nope.”

When Klaus approached Five and followed the kid into the lobby, the  _ last _ thing he expected out of his little brother’s mouth nearly made Klaus disown him then and there. “Hey, can I tell Patch you have a spiritual STD?” 

Diego made a choking noise on his line of the call, “What did he fucking say?” 

“Gotta go, love you, byeee!” Klaus quickly hung up, tossing his phone in his purse and quickly hushed his brother while a few people spared surprised glances in their direction. “No, you can’t, Five.”

“Why?” 

Klaus had to think about that one for a bit. “Uh… because…  _ well…” _

“Excuse me Sir, can I help you?”

Klaus waved his hand at the man who approached them, “No, I’m just tryna figure out how to out smart a Five-year-old.” 

“Ah, I see. Must be one smart kid.”

“I am!” Five looked up at the stranger, “Who’re you?”

Klaus finally spared the cop a glance, doing a double take when he realized how  _ cute  _ he was. Just a tad shorter than him, scruffy beard, and a wonderful taste in mens wear. Klaus made it no secret he was enjoying the man’s collarbone. 

“Well,” The officer-- he  _ must  _ be. He has a name tag and badge-- cleared his throat, “I’m Detective Katz.” 

Why the  _ fuck _ does Detective Katz have such nice eyes?

“I’m Five.” His little brother tugged on his sleeve, “This is my brother.”

“Oh?” Detective Katz stared at him, “Uh… Cool name. You wouldn’t happen to be Six, right?” He teased.

“Four, actually.” Klaus said, still staring at his eyes.

Katz’s face flashed with shock before he laughed, “Oh shi-  _ shoot!  _ Really?”

“Yeah. Uh, I changed it to Klaus. I’m Klaus. This is Five.” He patted his brother’s head, “We’re brothers. I’m not married.”

“Who’d want to marry you?” Five asked not-so-fucking-wingmanly. 

Katz looked like he was going to explode with laughter. Klaus made a mental note to throw his brother out of a window. Ben was laughing right beside him, making a show of himself.

“Shit! The kids totally ruining your life!” Ben said.

“Now that I am thoroughly dragged to hell and back,” Klaus said, trying to regain his dignity while he still had it, “can you please point me in the direction of Detective Patch? I need a word with her.”

“Sure, man.” Detective Katz pointed to a hall, “She’s down that way, to the second door on the right.”

“Can I stay with the Detective?” Five asked, “I like him.”

Klaus felt his cheeks heat up, “Uh, no, sweetheart, I don’t want to disrupt any important work he’s doing.”

“I don’t mind.” Katz’s pretty smile seemed far too effortless to be real, “I like kids.”

“Well… Are you sure?” He asked Five, because as much as he would  _ love  _ to play the role of a stressed out, super-in-need-of-a-hot-twink brother, he was still as protective of Five as a lioness was to her cubs. He didn’t exactly want to trust a pretty face just because he has a… well, pretty face.

“I’ll be okay.” His brother insisted.

Klaus snuck a glance at Ben.

“I’ll stay here and keep an eye.” Ben promised.

Okay, he’ll let it happen.

“Thank you.” He said to Katz, “I really appreciate this.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it.” The Detective looked a little bashful, “M’glad I got insurance to see you again.”

To a normal person? That may be slightly creepy. To Klaus? He’s totally  _ into it.  _

_ Hell fucking  _ yeah  _ you have insurance to see me again,  _ Klaus dreamed of saying,  _ I’d be upset if you didn’t! _

So, while he tried to swallow down the awkward flustered feelings, he rushed to Detective Patch’s desk. He thanked God herself for not letting him trip, because if he ever embarrassed himself that hard he would have never redeemed himself. Ever. 

“Patch?” Klaus knocked on the door Detective Katz directed him to, “You in there?”

“Come in!” She called from the other side.

He walked in, shutting the door and quickly slapping a hand over his mouth when he realized she was on the phone. She seemed slightly amused by it.

“... Yes, Mrs. Graves, I know you want us to bring the man in but… no, we have-... no, Detective Hargreeves is not with us anymore… Yes, I… Yes. Mhm… Yes, Ma’am, I’ll forward the case to him. Yes, thank you. Mhm, buh-bye.” She hung up with a tight sigh.

“People are asking for my brother to work on their case?” Klaus blinked slowly,  _ “Really?” _

“He’s good at what he does, even if it’s highly illegal.” Patch smiled tightly, “What can I do for you, Klaus? Speaking of Diego, did he call you?”

“Uh-huh. All panicky and everything, about a cop, or something?”

“He’s so jealous!” Patch’s eyes lit up with irritation, “I  _ told him _ nothing was happening and that it was none of his business if there  _ was…  _ he’s so stupid.”

“I agree.” Klaus waved his hand, “He was never the brains of the operation during missions. Actually, nobody was, but who’s keeping track? Now, uh… speaking of highly illegal…"

Patch tensed, “What’d you do?”

“Oh, I didn’t do anything illegal, I just wanted to do something potentially illegal!” 

“Which is?”

Klaus leaned on the Detective’s desk, “Well, you know how our dear daddy had us become little soldiers, right? Well, listen, I… he kept files on us. All of us. I know he has some on Five, and I want it.”

Patch stared at him before nodding slowly, “I can find a legal way to get it. I can bring a few of our lawyers in, maybe some negotiations can be held?”

Klaus whined, “But, what if we  _ skipped  _ that and just… took the files?”

“That’s personal property. I’m not sure we can, Klaus.”

“It’s about  _ Five _ , though!” Klaus stood up straight, “Doesn’t that account for anything?”

Patch frowned, “If it was necessary to hand over, he would have been legally obligated to do so by the court. Mister Hargreeves is a smart man, he knows the law.”

“Stubborn bastard.” Klaus growled under his breath, “I’m gonna kill him, y’know?”

“I’m going to pretend like I didn’t hear that.” Patch waved her hand, “I’ll figure it out, okay? Right now, I have a triple homicide and I need to figure out what to do about it.”

“Does it have to do with Diego?”

“Sadly, yes, he’s on the case. Now  _ go.” _

_ Well this was anticlimactic!  _ Klaus thought bitterly, turning on his heels and leaving Patch’s office. He panicked for a few seconds when he didn’t see Five or Detective Katz, though quickly relaxed when he recognized Ben’s ugly jacket by a pillar. He hurried over.

“Hey,” Klaus greeted once he had Five and Dave in his line of sight. They were playing around with one of those awful jigsaw puzzles. The weirdest part? The picture side was  _ down. _ “What are you doing?”

“Putting a puzzle together.” Five said, then looked up to Klaus with a determined smirk, “Dave says it’s how you become a good detective.”

“Dave?” Klaus echoed.

“Oh, er,” Detective Katz hurried to stand up, thrusting a hand out towards him, “Yeah, sorry. I’m Dave Katz.”

Klaus gladly took his hand, letting their hold linger, “Klaus Hargreeves.”

“Wait, you’re brothers with Diego?”

“If that’s the first thing that comes to mind, I’ll take it.”

Dave laughed a bit, “He’s, just, uh… a big deal around here, I guess?”

Five made a noise of disgust, “Why? Klaus says he’s a doofus.”

“I did not!” Klaus defended himself quickly, knowing his face was reddening. But when Dave started laughing, he relaxed. Dave has a very mature way of laughing that resulted in being both modest and incredibly attractive. Those two things were usually exclusive in Klaus’s world, but here we are.

“Did you get what you needed from Detective Patch?” Dave asked after he finished being adorable.

“Sadly, no.” Klaus lowered his voice while Five went along to forcing pieces of the puzzle together, “She says what I want isn’t entirely legal, or whatever.”

“What is it you want?” Dave asked, leaning in a bit.

“Well…” He shifted, “My dad’s a bit of a freak. He had files on all of us as kids, and I want the one with Five.”

“You want to take a personal file your dad had on your little brother?”

“Yeah.” Klaus shrugged, “It’s just a tiny crime.”

Dave went quiet for awhile before leaning in really close. Klaus nearly shivered because of it. “How important is it?”

“Very.” Klaus glanced at his brother and softened a bit, “It… It could help me be a better parent for Five.”

_ If I could just understand his powers, I’d be able to protect him. _

Dave’s voice pitched a bit, “Well… what if I help you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check me out on tumblr @gentlemenpaws if you wanna chatter about this chapter!!


	6. Slightly Illegal [pt. 2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty long chapter with A LOT to digest so take your take reading!! key details in the middle n all that
> 
> the end is pretty swag too

Klaus stared at Dave in disbelief, trying to figure out if he was being serious or not.

“What is this?” He finally asked, “Like… some reverse psychology? Because I was never great at geography-”

“What?” Dave’s mouth twitched into a grin before he spoke on, “No, uh, I mean it. I’ll help you take it. If Detective Patch can’t help at all, give me a call, okay?”

Klaus watched while he dug into his pocket and held out a business card. He took it after a moment's hesitation, an immense feeling of excitement and gratitude making him want to throw his arms around Dave and exclaim his thanks. But he held himself back, for now.

“Thank you.” He whispered, glancing at Five to check and make sure he was still working on the puzzle and not what was happening between them.

“Of course.” Dave smiled, “I’m not… _technically_ allowed to do this, but… I like helping people. And when the law doesn’t work, it can be really frustrating.”

“Tell me about it.” Klaus laughed humourlessly. Many times his siblings and he had gotten in trouble with the law, and it pissed off their father so much that he actually blocked the numbers of the detectives who were constantly contacting him. Technically legal and, while hilarious, got them into even more trouble.

“Klaus,” Five’s voice drew his attention, “can we go on the walk, now?”

Klaus stifled a sigh and smiled brightly, “Yeah, kiddo, sure. Let’s go now.”

Five perked and scrambled on his feet, reaching out to grab Klaus’s hand and pull him along. “Bye Dave.”

Dave gave an aborted wave, “Bye Five.”

It wasn’t even two minutes after they left the building that Klaus’s phone starting ringing. He’s pretty sure Diego has to be _somewhere_ around here for him to be able to know once they left. Or, maybe he has a tracker on his phone?

 _“Hallo?”_ Klaus greeted once he answered.

“You didn’t let me tell you the guys name.”

“Ah, Number Two! Y’know, I can see why you changed your name. If I was being called sh-”

“Klaus! His name is Dave Katz. Did you meet him? See him? Was he going through files illegally?”

Klaus’s cheerful step faltered, “Uh… no, not really.”

 _Dave?_ He thought, _Dave is the shady cop Diego’s after?_

“I think you should forget him,” He told his brother, ignoring Five for a few seconds even though his little brother was trying to chat his ear off, “Dave’s really nice. He helped Five finish a puzzle.”

“Face side down!” Five said pointedly.

“Face side down.” Klaus added.

“That literally sounds like a serial killer tendency. _Shit,_ do you think he committed those murders?”

Klaus stifled a groan, “No, Diego. Look, I really think he’s a nice guy! You’re just jealous. And, to remedy your jealousy, I’m telling you now… he was totally into me.”

“Klaus, I don’t have time for your-”

“I mean it!” He insisted excitedly, “I think I actually have a chance--” Suddenly, Five’s hand disappeared out of his. He jerked in surprise, looking around frantically before grumbling. “Ah, fuck!”

“What?” Diego’s voice pitched, “What happened?”

“Our little brother disappeared again.” Klaus said, looking around before he found Five across the street, taking a free sample from some lady selling homemade candy, “Oh, found him.”

Silence filled the phone, then Diego’s voice filtered through. “... Hey, how long do I gotta wait to meet Five?”

Klaus shifted a bit, still hawk-eyeing Five while he munched down the free sample, “Uh… well…”

“I get it, you want to ease him in or whatever, but we’re still family. Maybe I could teach him how to kick a kidnappers ass?”

Klaus remembered back to when Five threatened to stab a lady’s ankles and shook his head slowly. “Something tells me he probably already knows how to do that.”

“C’mon man, gimme _something._ It’s been weeks.”

He’s right, it has been weeks. Klaus knew he needed to let them see Five eventually. Maybe it was the fact that he was so possessive over him, that he didn’t _want_ to share Five with his siblings. He’s never really had anything to himself, being homeless for most of his life ‘n’ all. This responsibility meant a lot to him.

“Let me talk to him about it, okay?” Klaus suggested, waving at Five when he looked over, “Just let me ask him about it and… and we’ll see.”

“Okay. Okay, yeah, sure!” Diego sounded more enthusiastic with his second _okay,_ “Call me whenever you get news, or whatever.”

“Bye, Diego! Love you!”

“Yeah.”

“Who the _fuck--”_ Klaus started, but Diego had already hung up. “--says that to an…”

He stifled a groan and tossed his phone into his purse, “I’m gonna pretend he told me he loves me.”

“Who told you he loves you?” Five asked, appearing quite literally out of nowhere and startling the fuck out of Klaus.

“I’m gonna put a bell on you.” He threatened.

Five seemed unfazed, “Who told you he loves you?”

“Our brother.” He reached out to hold Five’s hand again, “He’s a weirdo who can’t process emotions like a normal human person.”

Five squeezed his hand, then made an uninterested noise in the back of his throat. “I got you candy from the lady.”

“Thanks, bud!”

“It has ants in it.”

Klaus was so grossly intrigued that he held a hand out for Five to hand it over to him. He handed over a lollipop and Klaus held it close to look at the tiny black specks inside-- fucking _ants._

“You ate this?” He stuttered out, disgust filling in his stomach.

“Mhm.”

Klaus gave back the lollipop, “You can have this one too. Sorry, ants just don’t fit into my diet.”

His little brother fucking _stuck it in his mouth._ He tried to contain his disgust while Five took the lead in their “explore the city” mission. He made a mental note to himself to feed Five more exciting foods than bugs.

 

. . .

 

At the end of the day, Klaus was overly exhausted. He and Five walked the city for _hours,_ and he had work in fifty minutes. Thankfully, Five was already asleep in his bedroom and he could sneak out without feeling guilty.

“You don’t wanna just call in sick?” Ben suggested while Klaus threw on his coat.

“Too late.” Klaus said, “I need to get going now. It’s a 40 minute walk.”

“Okay…” Ben frowned at him, then nodded his head confidently, “I’ll tell you if Five wakes up at all.”

“Thanks, Ben.” He smiled, kneeling down to tie his shoes. “Y’know, Diego called me today. Asked me when he would get to meet Five.”

Ben seemed to perk at that, “Really?”

“Yeah. And… I dunno. I guess I appreciate that he’s interested in being apart of his life, but I think, I, uh…” He fought for the right words, “I think I’m a little scared to share him.”

“Why?”

Klaus moved on to his other shoe, “What if Five realizes the sucky brother got him? Luther’s literally in space. That’s a super cool place to live. Diego takes down bad guys-- he’s handling a murder!”

“Klaus, Five _loves_ you.” Ben knelt down to his eye level, “He’s not going to think you’re any less than the others. If anything, he’s gonna like you more because he’s known you longer. Kids aren’t that hard.”

Klaus sighed and nodded, “Yeah… so should I? Should I let Diego meet him? It’s too soon, right?”

Ben tilted his head in thought, then shook it, “No, It’s not too soon. I don’t think so, at least. What’s Five said about it?”

“I haven’t asked him…”

“Ask him.” Ben said, “Let him make the decision.”

Klaus nodded, standing up finally and swallowing the sigh in his throat. Yeah, Ben’s right. He can’t keep hoarding Five to himself, no matter how much he wants to.

“See you in the morning.”

“See ya, Klaus.”

Just as he left the house, his phone vibrated in his pocket. Klaus contemplated ignoring it, but he knew that it was probably Diego, or someone else, wanting to get in touch with him. He took his phone out, noticing that it was an abrupt text message from Detective Patch.

 _Why’s she texting me this late in the day?_ He thought, opening the text. He could feel a coldness settle in his bones as he read it.

_Sorry, couldn’t get anything to help you with the file. Lieutenant says it’s out of our control._

“Fuck…” He groaned.

* * *

It’s been a few days since Klaus has gotten the text from Patch. He’s been trying to catch up on sleeping and keeping Five company whenever he’s awake-- but his sleeping schedule is so _fucked_ that he feels like he’s going to pass out half of the time. He needs someone around, someone who could actually cook dinner and keep Five from hurting himself instead of Ben’s usual invisible angel shtick.

“Ask him about Diego, Klaus.” Ben insisted for the fourth time, “Diego could babysit Five for you while you catch up on some sleep.”

Klaus made a non committed moan of exhaustion. “Too soon.”

 _“Klaus.”_ Ben’s voice hardened, “Ask him.”

Five was in his room, solving the same puzzle he has been since he found out not using the picture made him better at “being a detective.” He knew Ben was right, he _knew_ he needed help from family… but was it selfish on his part to place such a decision on Five?

_No, It’s selfish for you to not give him a choice._

_You’re right,_ He thought, _thank you faceless voice in my head._

So, he stood up and walked to Five’s room. He tried to rub away the tired from his eyes, digging his nails into his palm to try and jolt himself awake with the pain. It did not work.

“Hey, Five,” He greeted, sitting down on the floor next to him while he messed with a piece, “how’s that puzzle going?”

“Good.” Five said, “I’m figuring out where to connect the corner pieces.”

“Can I have a chat with you before you get back to that?” Klaus asked, “It’s about our siblings.”

His little brother seemed to get very serious. He set the piece he was holding down and turned his body to face Klaus, “Okay.”

Klaus smiled tiredly, “One of our brothers, Diego, wants to meet you. And I was just wondering if… wait, lemme start again. Forget I said that. What I want to know is, do _you_ want to meet any of our siblings?”

Five made a show of himself, swaying back-and-forth and pretending to mull it over in his head with exaggerated tilts and long hums. But finally, after his little actor decided he tortured Klaus enough, he nodded. “Sure, why not?”

“So, you’re okay with meeting Diego?”

“Yeah.”

“... You sure?”

“Mhm.”

“Because, like, he’s really scary. He’s got scars and everything.”

“Cool!”

Klaus fought the urge to exclaim _No! Not cool!_ and instead forced a laugh, “Yeah, I suppose that’s cool. Okay, I’ll… I’ll talk to him. Set up a day for him to come over.”

“Okay.” Five looked back to his puzzle, “I’ma keep doing this. You can go watch Housewives, or whatever.”

Klaus was so tired that he couldn’t even come up with a snippy response. He just nodded and staggered up to his feet before going to the livingroom to crash out on the couch. He fished out his phone, struggling to pick out the names of people in his contacts before pressing Diego’s.

A few rings, and then a “Hello?”

“Hey, Diego,” Klaus yawned dramatically, “I talked to Five and-”

“Oh, Klaus, hey!”

_Well, that’s not Diego._

“Uh, Hi…”

“It’s Dave? The detective?”

“FUCK.” Klaus sat up on the couch, officially awake now that he accidentally called _him_.

Dave laughed across the line, “Wrong number, huh?”

“Sorry!” Klaus swallowed down the stutter his throat was trying to do, “I, uh, I meant to call my brother. I forgot I have two D-names in my contacts now.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. How’s that thing going with Patch? She’s been looking upset for a while now. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her about it.”

“Oh…” He faltered, “Yeah… it turns out the Lieutenant says there’s nothing she can do about it.”

“Damn, I’m sorry to hear that, Klaus… Do you still want my help?”

Klaus sighed softly. The weight on his shoulders were returning and it felt like his exhaustion was doubling. A piece of him whined that he couldn’t spare enough brain cells to make a decision to break into his Dad’s house.

“I…” He cleared his throat, “Sorry, Dave, I’m just exhausted right now.”

Dave’s tone pitched, “Why?”

Klaus lowered his voice, just so Five wouldn’t hear him. “I’ve been juggling work and Five. Just trying to get used to the sleeping schedule.”

“How much did you sleep last night?”

“Uh…” He shrugged despite Dave not being around to see, “Doesn’t matter, I guess.”

“Do you have work tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Let’s meet tomorrow. We can talk about your dad and what you want to do. Maybe I could even distract Five for you.”

Klaus put his fingers through his hair, wincing when they caught on a knot, “Oh, sure, yeah… Uh, text me the details? I’ll be there, I promise.”

“Okay… see you soon, Klaus. Have fun chatting with your brother.”

“One can wish. See ya, Dave.”

As much as Klaus wanted to sit there and gleefully describe to Ben how excited he was that he had an unofficial date with Dave, he still needed to talk to Diego.

“I’m going to get gray hairs at forty.” Klaus told Ben, who he knew had to be around here somewhere, “And be one of those weird twink grandpa’s we see at the gay bar.”

“I would love to think about anything else.” Ben said flatly.

“Same.” Klaus triple checked to make sure he was calling Diego this time, raising the phone to his ear and laying back on the couch. “Let’s hope this conversation goes quick. I think I’m gonna take a nap.”

As if on cue, Diego answered. “Klaus, I’m at a crime scene right now.”

“Thrilling.” He said, throwing his hand backwards to hang over the couch arm, “The dead body will still be there when the call ends. At least, I hope.”

“I just can’t wrap my head around how they’re doing this…” Diego mumbled, as if talking to himself, “The targets have zero correspondence.”

“Who’s the targets?”

“A math teacher, an elderly couple, both murdered at different times of the day, and this time… well, we’re trying to figure out whoever this poor bastard is.”

“Not in the face-database thing?” Klaus asked.

“There’s no face _left.”_

Klaus’s brain kicked in, if just a little bit. “What?”

“Yeah, whoever’s doing this has a torture streak. I wish I could just find out _who,_ though. It’s like they’re teleporting from one place to the next, it’s crazy.”

A terrible feeling settled into his stomach. He considered, for a quick second, that it could be Five doing these heinous crimes. But also, Five’s literally fucking five and doesn’t have the muscle mass to pull off destroying someone’s face.

“Sounds awful, man.” Klaus frowned, “Being a detective must suck.”

“Yeah, well, it’s no peach… hey, what’d you call for?”

Suddenly, he felt like asking about Five was a little bit anticlimactic and lame. Diego was dealing with a murderer, how could he ever think he’d have time to see Five?

“Um…” He shifted, “Nothing…”

Diego gave a dry scoff, “C’mon, what do you need? Money? A drive somewhere? I wouldn’t mind forgetting about this crime for a bit. Eudora’s ignoring me anyway.”

“I was actually going to ask if you still wanted to see Five.”

“Oh.” His brother paused on his end, “Oh, shit, I mean-- _yeah,_ yeah, I do. For sure. Does he want to see me?”

“Yeah.” Klaus closed his eyes, “Yeah, he does…”

“What about next week? I’m free. We should have this killer by then too.”

“Sure…”

“Okay, what day?... Klaus? Klaus you still there?”

Klaus falling asleep on Diego was not part of the plan, but then again, Klaus was never very good at following plans anyway.

* * *

Klaus was gross giddy. Like, stupid _I’m going to lose my shit_ giddy. Klaus hasn’t felt emotions this strong since he was a boy, and it’s kinda cool. He wouldn’t mind feeling this happy all the time.

“How’s my hair?” He asked Ben for the third time as they walked to the ice cream shop Dave invited them to.

“It’s okay.” Five said, beating Ben’s _disastrous_ by a few seconds.

“That’s why you’re my favourite brother.” Klaus told Five before he stuck out his tongue at Ben, “Favourite brothers get ice cream.”

“Mean!” Ben exclaimed.

“Hey Five,” Klaus waited until Five looked up at him, “Wanna sit on my shoulders and see if Dave is anywhere near?”

Five stared at him, then smiled mischievously, “Okay.”

After he let his brother climb on his shoulders and nearly put him in a headlock with his legs, he let Five look around while he walked. “See anything, kid?”

“No.” He said, “Is that store with the pink cone were we go?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe he’s inside.”

Klaus thought that unlikely. He specifically set out to be at least ten minutes early. He wanted to make sure Five wasn’t a horrible wingman like he was before when they first met Dave. He will _not_ have his little brother ruin his chances just because he’s five.

“Maybe.” He decided to say, helping Five ease down and into a piggyback so that they could walk into the store without drawing too many eyes. Of course, maybe Five’s little academy outfit would draw eyes already.

He _really_ needs to get his brother new clothes.

“Ben, pick a seat. Five ‘n’ I will get the Crème Brûlée.”

“That literally does not translate into ice cream and you know it.” Ben said before walking away.

Klaus did know it. He just also knows that Ben took online french and hates it whenever he fucks up the language.

“What’s Crème Brûlée mean?” Five asked while they approached the counter.

“I dunno. Cream something.” Klaus shrugged lightly, a self-satisfied grin on his face, “I just knew it’d make Ben mad.”

Five laughed, though it sounded more like a quiet cackle. Far too adult and terrifying.

“What kinda ice cream do you want?” He asked.

“What kind do they have?”

“I think I saw rootbeer as an option.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s all _I_ care about.”

“I want a swirl.”

Klaus sighed, pretending like the idea of a swirl was absolutely ridiculous. _“Alright,_ I _guess._ Swirls are so boring.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Nuh-uh.”

He supposes their philosophical debate would need to wait, because it was their turn to order.

“Hi sir!” Chirped the lady from behind the counter, “What can I get you?”

 

When Klaus and Five sat down with their ice cream (Klaus got root beer in a waffle cone, and Five got a strawberry-and-chocolate swirl in a cup), Klaus knew he needed to address the elephant in the room.

“Five, we gotta talk.”

“Ok.” Five said, biting his plastic spoon, “What is it?”

“Man,” Klaus leaned in, “you gotta be the perfect wingman for me, alright? Kids are suppose to be cute and love their parent. So, at least be one of those things. Aka, _love me.”_

“Do I gotta?” His little brother whined, a knowing smile on his face, “Is this because you love Dave?”

“Woah!” Klaus straightened out, “We’re not at love. We’re at _like like._ Don’t kids say _like like?_ What happened to that?”

“What’re we, three?” Five wrinkled his nose, “We’re both adults.”

Five saying that with chocolate smudged on his lip and chin was absolutely precious. Klaus had to keep himself from laughing, because he knew Five might throw that swirl at him if he did.

“Okay, sure, fine.” Klaus looked at Ben, who seemed just as amused as he felt, “Just try and be a cool bro, okay?”

“Okay.” His little brother shrugged and took another bite of his ice cream, “That won’t help your awful flirting skills, though.”

Klaus’s cheeks reddened, “Excuse me? I do _not_ have awful flirting skills! How many boyfriends have you had?”

Five lifted a brow.

“That’s what I thought.” Klaus nodded to himself. Hell yeah. He showed that five year old.

He should have known better than to trust the knowing look on his brother’s face, though. He made a show of taking a bite of ice cream, then pointed the spoon at him. “How many of those relationships lasted longer than ten days?”

Ben _screamed_ in his ear. Klaus could feel a piece of his soul disappear. There were a few women behind them in a different booth that were clearly hiding their laughs.

“I’m going to drop you off at a park and leave you there.” Klaus said, “You’re an unforgivable little brother. I can’t believe I opened my doors to you.”

Five seemed pleased with himself that he couldn’t come up of an actual comeback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 to this chapter coming soon!


	7. Slightly Illegal [pt 3]

When Dave walked into the store, Klaus tried not to overreact. He turned his head away and shoved an empty plastic spoon into his mouth to pretend like he was enjoying his ice cream. Now that he thought about it… he doesn’t know why he didn’t just take a scoop of it to  _ actually  _ enjoy his icecream.

Five gave him a funny look, then looked to the side and perked, “Hi Dave.” 

“Hey!” Dave’s peppy voice made Klaus jump-- or maybe that was his heart? “Didn’t recognize ya, kid. Nice… outfit.”

“Thanks. Klaus said it reminds him of dungeon shackles.”

“HA!” Klaus forced a laugh, “I-  _ Ha-- _ this kidster. Always jokin’ around. How about you pick yourself some ice cream and sit?” He asked Dave, hoping his fake nonchalance was really workin’ through his voice. 

“Yeah, sure,” Dave mouth quirked up, eyeing Klaus now with what might have been knowing suspicion, “I’ll be right back.”

“What are you doing?” Klaus asked Five the moment Dave was out of earshot, “Do you hate me? Is that it? You don’t want your brother to have a successful life?”

“You  _ did  _ tell me it looked like shackles.” Five shrugged.

“Well, don’t tell the cop that!” 

“Why not?”

“Because Fuck Blue Lives.” Klaus and Ben said unanimously. He spared a smug glance to his dead brother.

Five’s eyes widened, as if intrigued by what they said. “Fuck bl-?”

Klaus squeaked, throwing his hand out to try and shush his little brother. “Don’t say that! Little kids can’t say those words.”

Five’s eyes were as wide as saucers now. He leaned in close, lowering his voice like it was a conspiracy, “Fuck?”

“Yeah, that.”

“... Why?”

Klaus didn’t have a good answer for that. He glanced over at Ben, “Uh…”

Ben’s eyebrows shot up and it hit Klaus that maybe Ben was just guessing his way through this parenting thing too. “Um- Uh- Bad table manners?”

“Bad table manners.” He echoed to Five.

Five stared at him, then nodded and said, “Oh, okay.”

He went back to nibbling at his ice cream drenched cone (his fingers were starting to get sticky, Klaus could tell). He assumed that five was satisfied with his answer, which, Thank  _ God.  _

He let out a breath and looked to Ben, “Nice reason.”

“He can still hear you, Klaus.” Ben paused, “Oh, and that Detective’s coming back.”

Klaus looked over his shoulder and, indeed, Dave was on his way over. He keened to himself, trying to come up with the perfect line that simultaneously told Ben to get lost and for Dave to sit beside him. 

When he looked back to Ben, his brother had already read his mind. He was sitting beside Five now, rolling his eyes fondly. The only issue?  _ Dave was going to sit by him too.  _

He panicked, mostly because he couldn’t get the words out and this really cute detective was going to sit on his dead brother’s lap before he sat on his which is  _ not fair.  _

Five’s eyes followed his, then he jerked, and threw a hand out (which went through Ben) to stop Dave, “Wait, you can’t sit here.”

“Why not?” Dave asked, pausing.

“Ben’s sitting there.”

“Who?”

_ Oh great!  _ Klaus thought. He doesn’t want Dave knowing how freaky their family was yet. And he’s pretty sure it’s a major red flag to be told that their dead brother is with them at all times-- it was a total buzzkill for the past relationships he’s been in. 

_ “His imaginary friend.” _

“My brother.”

Five and him looked at each other.

_ “His brother.” _

“My imaginary friend.”

Five’s eyebrows shot up and then pinched down in a glare. He made a face that clearly said  _ Pick one already! I’m trying to help you! _

“Kid’s smarter than you give him credit for,” Ben teased, grinning at Klaus like the cat who got the cream.

“I’ll just sit over here.” Dave amended. Klaus scooted over quickly and laughed lightly when their elbows brushed while he sat.

“How… have you been?” He asked.

“Alright. I got today off, which is  _ always  _ a pleasure.” Dave’s eyes lit up, and Klaus really liked how he looked when he was happy, “I got the chance to talk to Eudora about  _ that.”  _

“What’s  _ that?”  _ Five asked.

“Adult things.” Klaus said without thinking.

“Oh great,” Ben said non-committedly while he ate away at his ice cream, “now you  _ know  _ he’s gonna ask about that.”

Dave jumped in, “Boring police stuff. Nothing you need to worry about, kid.”

Five looked at Dave, then to Klaus and made a face that Klaus can only describe as his own little version of Diego’s  _ “stop fucking around” _ face. It was way too stern and aggressive for a five year old. Maybe Five was some sort of old soul stuck in a kid’s body. There’s no way he could have developed this personality on his own.

“Hey, y’know what could be fun?” Dave asked, looking at Klaus, “What if we went to the park after this?”

“Sure!” Klaus agreed quickly, “Uh, how do you feel about that, Five?”

Five’s looked like he was going to shoot the idea down, but then his eyes brightened and he smiled, “Okay.” 

“Do you trust that?” Ben asked.

Klaus couldn’t answer, but if he  _ could,  _ he would have said  _ no fuckin’ way.  _

“He’s totally planning something.” Ben continued, “Look at the way he’s being sweet and innocent. He’s gonna throw you under the bus so hard.”

_ I’m gonna toss you under a bridge,  _ Klaus threatened in his head, hoping it conveyed on his face when Five glanced at him with a smug smile,  _ and rename you four-in-a-half as revenge. _

If Five could hear his thoughts, he didn’t show it.

 

. . .

 

They went to the park after that. Five didn’t seem opposed to it after Dave mentioned how many slides and swings there were, which hardly surprised Klaus. If he was being honest, he’s not sure if Five’s been to a park before or not. He told Dave as much while he watched Five climb up the ladder to a slide. 

“Really?” Dave’s voice pitched a bit, “… Ever?"

“Nah.” Klaus shook his head, “Our dad didn’t exactly believe in normalities. Actually, it’s funny, I think the first time  _ I  _ saw a park was when I moved out.”

“That’s…  _ crazy. _ I’m glad you got Five out of there… How did you handle that?” 

He looked over to Dave, staring at him for a second then made a noise in the back of his throat, “Ahh, well…”   


“Oh, shit, sorry,” Dave said quickly, “I’m sorry, that was really forward.”

“A little.” Klaus agreed, offering a quick smile, “But I don’t mind, it just took me off guard. I got used to life outside of the Academy after a year or so. I experienced a lot really fast, so I like to think I got caught up on everything.”

“Right.” Dave paused, then said, “Hey, about the file…”

“Oh, shit, right!” Klaus looked at him, “How’s that going?”

“Well Patch said our Lieutenant said not to go for it, which is fishy.” Dave looked like he was going to add more, then shook his head. “Anyway…”

“Oh?” Klaus batted his eyelashes, “Is there some police drama I am unaware of? Pray tell?”

“No, I just don’t like him.” Dave’s shoulders dropped and his smile turned strained, “He’s kinda… I don’t know. It’s like he doesn’t care, ever, about what’s going on. But for some reason this file means a lot to him and he said we cannot interfere. I think Mr. Hargreeves paid him under the table.”

Klaus scoffed, “I wouldn’t put it past the old man. He paid off every single one of our mothers.”

“That’s why I think we’re, um, gonna have to do this… Diego-style, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t want to get arrested.” Klaus said, shaking his head, “I can’t. Not with Five on the line.”

Dave hummed for a short bit, a sound Klaus found heavenly and entirely too beautiful for human ears, “What if we pretend we have a search warrent?”

“Dad knows all the ropes.”

“What about if you were  _ invited?”  _

“Who the fuck’s gonna invite me?” Klaus looked at him, “The butler? I hated that guy. You know how much of a snitch he was? The only person there who could even  _ think  _ of inviting me is my mom.”

“Then ask your mom to invite you.” Dave said it like it was easy, and maybe it was easy. To be honest, Klaus does have a phone now. He could just call and wait for his mom to pick up. 

“I dunno.” He deflated a bit, “I left my mom a long time ago…”

“When did you move out?” Dave asked. 

_ Sixteen.  _ “Eighteen.” 

He doesn’t exactly like telling Dave a lie, but he also knows the importance of keeping a little bit to himself. It was kinda nice to talk to somebody who didn’t know every little bit of his life through Vanya’s book. Maybe Dave didn’t read, or didn’t care, or both.

“Oh.” Dave hummed, “Well… I think you both will have a mutual want to keep Five safe. Talking to her wouldn’t be a bad start.”

Dave smiled so earnestly that he ended up smiling back. 

He really likes how messed up his brain gets when he stared at Dave too long. 

_ “Hey!” _

Five’s cry of distraught had Klaus’s entire mind shift from  _ what a pretty face that man has  _ to  _ who’s messing with my baby brother?  _ He instantly searched for Five, finding him scrambling to climb up the slide ladder, where a  _ very  _ big child stood. 

“You pushed me.” Five said, cheeks flushed with what Klaus assumed was the early signs of anger issues. “You can’t do that.”

The round kid made a remark, probably some Karen-esq jab at how he could do whatever he wanted. Klaus stood up, Dave following him, and made a quick search for who he might hope was the boys parents. 

Klaus heard a lot of screaming while he was looking around. Even Dave exclaimed, which might have been just him following the crowd, who knows, but then he saw a woman shoot forward towards the slide and he realized,  _ oh,  _ maybe Five handled that on his own. 

His darling, innocent little Five. The kid who worried over fake invisible ducks. The same kid who threatened to stab a lady. 

“Oh, fuck!” Klaus snapped his eyes back to the slide, but Five was alright. In fact, he was on top of the slide now with a smug smile on his face. The other kid? He was  _ on the ground crying.  _

“What happened?” He asked Dave while they both lunged forward to the scene, “He didn’t  _ push him _ , did he?”

“No, the kid started screaming and fell off.” He said.

Well  _ that  _ can’t be good! At least it wasn’t Five’s fault. He hopes. He prays. 

“What’s wrong baby?” The woman, round-boy’s mom, asked, checking her son for any signs of damage. Thankfully, he looked alright. 

“S-s-s-snake.” He blubbered. 

Klaus prayed. He prayed that Five didn’t use his powers to put snakes by him. If the boy’s missing shoes were any indication, he figured that his prayers would not be met. 

“C’mere, Kiddo.” He said, holding his arms out to Five. Thankfully, he took them and let Klaus haul him from the top of the slide and onto the ground. 

“Is he alright, ma’am?” Dave asked, because he is always such a gentlemen. 

“Oh, yes, he must have gotten startled on his fall down.” She explained, “My other boys were just as clumsy.”

“That’s good to hear!” Klaus said, because he really just wanted to cut the conversation short and head home, “I’m glad he’s alright.”

“Can we go home now?” Five asked obnoxiously. 

Klaus did not miss the way round-boy stared at Five with horror. 

_ I have to talk to him later.  _ He thought. 

He looked at Dave, then back at Five. “Yeah, buddy, let’s go home.” 

Were’s Ben when you need him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOPS SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT LMAO


End file.
